Ready to Bloom True!

It’s thanks to Flora Bowley’s book, “Brave, Intuitive Painting,” that I have put my brave girl boots on with my art!  Now, she is offering a scholarship to her Bloom True e-course to a few lucky souls selected from entries that “Create a 90 seconds or less video and answer this question: How will Bloom True support you as a person, and how will you use your experience to be of service in the world? Extra points for creativity + humor! Trust me, I know how hard it is to be vulnerable on screen.  Upload your video to your Facebook page and share its URL.”  That 90 second limit has been hard for me when I’ve easily gone over 90 minutes worth of ideas and stuff to say when thinking about this over the past week, even when trying to go to sleep at night.  I’ve put a lot of thought into this, especially since my humor doesn’t usually get me very far, though I often try because laughter is good medicine.  There is nothing that makes me more special or worthy than any other hopeful candidates.  We are all special and worthy!  I’m glad I’m not the one that has to choose.  I’m grateful for this opportunity, both to win the course and to clarify the vision/mission I’ve had recently to reach out to those going through the physical blooming time coming of age as tween/teen/college people trying to find their way. Oh, I also learned how to use some new software putting the video together.  Thanks to my kids for their help figuring out how to do some of it!

I took a deep breath (in between the winter sniffles!) to find my bravery and shared from my heart in the video here on the Loving Road facebook page along with more information about the teen reach idea and the motivation from my own experience behind it below.

Thanks to Flora’s question about how to use the ecourse experience to be of service, an idea came to me to offer art digitally to encourage adolescents to be true to themselves, to love themselves, and to fall in love with life.  Many artists already share our work freely online so this could just be an effort to compile art, hopefully by many artists (both beginners and experienced), with appropriate messages into one place, such as a free e-book pdf (low production cost and perhaps a few for different ages).

Initially, I was thinking of a book purely filled with art (no additional narrative), which is the first project I’ll work on.  Then, I thought there is also a place for a book about art journaling and healing/growing through the creative process specific to adolescents.  I’d also love to start a local group and volunteer to be the facilitator for adolescents to make art journals, a different kind of ‘youth group’, that might be hosted at the library or art center in town.  Flora’s question has really helped me to realize a few ways to finally reach out to a group that has been in my heart for some time, due to my own struggle through that time and a wish to help others navigating that time.  While many people refer to that as a great time in their lives, it was not for me.

I’ve realized that I got so caught up in expectations and cultural conditioning for the first several years of my life and now, at almost 40, I am starting to seek my authentic voice/self/spirit and going through an evolution of sorts… all while doing my best to raise my twin 10 year old boys, whom I homeschool – probably partially to encourage them to follow their hearts instead of letting others tell them who/what/why they should be.  I was high school valedictorian so I got too good at being what others deemed worthy without ever really getting to know myself and own heart/soul.

It baffles me that some of us can have such loving, encouraging parents with the best intentions (mine were and I’m grateful for that), yet still get so caught up in some cultural/media ideals and lose ourselves.  I realize that I have my husband to thank so much for the opportunity to now be home with my children and also exploring this world of art that I gave up on in about 5th grade when it was not encouraged through school or counselors and not ‘practical’.  I went on to get a masters degree, in something that never interested me, to have marketable skills in the bursting industry of IT/internet.  The only 2 paths that ever called to me were art and education!  Yet, neither were encouraged because teachers and parents thought I was ‘too smart’ for that…. ha!  The things schools grade did come easy to me, but bored my soul.  And I no longer think it’s ‘smart’, rather wise, to ignore the heart and soul or strive to be ‘successful’ financially at great costs to self.  I went through a long stretch of wandering aimlessly through college and it was a dark time.  I am truly lucky to have survived many of the stupid choices I made and places I found myself!  I now feel a calling to reach out to young people, especially women.  I have even written several drafts in journals (without art) of my early story in hopes that some might learn from my mistakes and not have to make them for themselves and hope to encourage them to thrive in spite of abuse, from others and from themselves.  Sadly, I was molested by my grandfather as a young child and dealing with the victim mentality, pity, shame, anger and grief for my innocence have caused struggles and suffering at times (no more pity please… I’m trying to be done with that!  I only share here because it’s so easy to assume that you’re the only one or that others have had it easy, especially those of us that have become used to wearing masks and only show the best pictures online, etc.  Sharing the truth is also a way of letting go of the shame and pity and secret and choosing to be free of the victim story.).  Even more sadly, I abused my own body and soul through college with the amount of partying (trying to numb myself?) I went along with.  I felt completely lost!  I don’t know how I still managed to graduate with honors and keep academic scholarships through it all and somehow keep the illusive appearance of a smart, strong young woman to my family while feeling numb, lost/gone, and carefree (in an unhealthy way).  Once I got a ‘good job’ as a computer consultant/analyst/manager, I was blessed to meet my husband and my life began to change.  He really helped encourage me to find myself instead of being who others expected me to be.  I started to love life for the first time since I could remember as a young child (before the abuse with grandfather began, which strained my relationship with my parents once I finally got the courage to tell them).  Bringing my husband into my family brought us all closer and then, having children of my own (my boys were born 3 months early and had a very rough start, but thankfully, are doing great now), brought my mom and I together in yet another way.  We were really best friends before she died and I am so grateful to have had that time together, even if it felt too short, that I actually felt present and aware and connected with my own heart and soul and was able to get to know my mom better and share many good times together.  My kids were only 5 when she died and one of the hardest parts to handle now is knowing how much they are missing by not having her unconditional love and vibrant example here.

Thankfully, having kids and choosing to homeschool brought lots of fun art supplies into my home and life (for the first time since grade school!).  My mother died in 2010 from ovarian cancer…which broke my heart wide open and led me to art as a way of processing the grief and life.  My art, facebook page (Loving Road) and blog grew from the desire to create something beautiful from the broken and carry on my mother’s love for others, nature, and life itself.  Art has become my therapy of sorts and a place where my over-active ‘thinking’ can slow down for a bit and I open up somehow and dance with color and symbolism and play.  Sometimes, the old habits of competition/comparisons and grades threaten to steal the joy (sadly, even a little when looking at the beautiful art made by others, which I LOVE, yet feel incompetent next to)… I try to pull myself back to a place of acceptance of my own journey and where I am within it and be grateful for the loving support and encouragement of other artists that I admire and remember that we all have our own unique voices and stories and art.

I wonder if art had been a bigger part of my life in my adolescence, both as a viewer and as a creator, if I would have had a healthier way to deal with the overwhelming aspects of that time.  Perhaps sharing encouraging art might help young people to be more true to themselves, to be able to love themselves, and to fall in love with life.  My choice of words for this year are ‘thrive’ and ‘harmony’ because I feel strongly that life is about more than just surviving… that we can thrive and that to do so, harmony with ourselves, others, and nature/creation is important.

If you’re an artist and would like to volunteer to contribute a piece of your art digitally for this effort (with you retaining original copyrights, of course, and giving permission for me to use in this collaborative ebook project), please email me at lovingrd@yahoo.com.  I’m excited about this new project and would love to have many artists participate.

May we help others to put their brave boots on, too, and be true to themselves!  🙂

PS – In the video, I embrace vulnerability speaking from my true self with no make-up and nothing to fancy up my presentation at the end!  Please be kind to this aging body and soul. 😉   I really debated how much to share without giving up too much privacy here on the blog. Yet, I do think it’s important to let others know that none of us are just the happy, vacation photos and ‘best of’ pics that are usually shared online. I hope all the effort pays off and I get one of the 5 spots being given away! I would LOVE to take this class, but we have lots of bills to pay and I’ve already splurged on a different one for this year (using a bit of money my mom left me, though, thankfully, my dad is surviving the grief and so they really couldn’t give a lot financially at her death and it was probably intended to be a little rainy day fund… but I chose to use a bit for a class as a kind of gift from her… they’ve both given so much more than money through the years)! I’m already imagining myself in this one so here goes the law of attraction test/hope thing again. 🙂